Hog-a-Palooza 2012: You. Are. Invited.

It doesn’t happen often, dear readers, but every now and again I wake up with a sudden uncontrollable urge to get my shit together. I usually start by cleaning my apartment. Then I go through my inbox and delete old messages. After that, I get caught up on all the work I’ve been putting off and pledge to make my free time more constructive. And of course the centerpiece of this self-improvement is always always always a full-tilt diet.

I’ve done this since I can remember, and if you look through my pictures on Facebook you will notice a certain undeniable pattern: 

As you can see, I’m porky in this picture.

Then skinny in this one just a few months later:

Then porky again:

Then skinny again:

Then porky again…

And so on and so on. I usually do okay at staying in shape until I get stressed out or distracted by something. That’s when I say to myself, “Eh, what’s the point in going to the gym? I’m already tired. I think I’ll just eat a Snickers ice cream bar and get my big ass in bed.”

Once I make up my mind to get skinny again, though, I always attack it with everything I’ve got. And starting in September, my buddy Kristian and I will be starting an intensive 8-week diet-and-exercise competition to see who can lose the most poundage. To jumpstart this little challenge, we’re going out next Friday or Saturday for what we’re calling Hog-a-Palooza 2012.

The evening will begin with ribs at Outback, then proceed to Taco Bell, Baskin-Robbins, and a slew of bars. Once we’re good and hammered, we’ll cap it off with late-night Big Macs at McDonald’s. If it sounds a little excessive, that’s because it is. But, you can’t have Lent without Mardi Gras.

If you’re in Seoul and you want to get in on the calorie-packed action, consider this an open invitation. 

It’s hog boiling time, y’all.

About J. Wiltz

"Well, you know, there really isn't very much to say about me." - Andy Warhol
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